Learn to communicate more effectively, negotiate differences, deal with conflicts and repair after fights.
- You fight more and it takes longer to get past the fight. You find yourself regretting what you said and did during a fight.
- You fight over small things or you can’t remember what started the fight. It feels like the fights follow a certain pattern that you can’t break.
- You don’t communicate how you feel and what you want in a calm way. You blame your partner and focus on how he/she should change.
- You are not proud of how you respond to your partner when you are stressed out, but you don’t know how to calm yourself and respond differently.
- Sex has become a struggle and a source of conflict.
- You don’t feel connected and you need to know what your partner is doing at all times.
- You have lost trust in your partner’s ability to be there for you.
- You are aware that you are two different people with different perspectives, but you have trouble managing your anxiety over these differences without getting angry at your partner for being different from you.
- You feel that you don’t know each other anymore. You feel that you have grown apart.
- You feel angry and misunderstood and blame your partner for how you feel.
- You rarely express feelings of sadness and anxiety.
- You have tried everything and are close to giving up. You wonder if being yourself and being together is possible.
Couples that will do anything to avoid differences, disagreements and conflicts are angry and unhappy! Marriage Counseling / Couples therapy can help.
2) You can avoid your partner, withdraw from contact and shut down negative emotions to avoid open conflict. The problem with this choice is that when you avoid and shut down your negative emotions, you are also shutting down your positive emotions.
- You hardly ever communicate how you feel and what you want.
- You feel that you haven’t been able to pursue individual interests in your relationship. You feel controlled and overpowered by your partner.
- You have given up on being yourself with your partner. You withdraw emotionally to avoid conflict.
- You are best friends, spending most of your time together but there is very little passion left in your relationship.
- You are disappointed that your relationship is not the way you envisioned it would be it. You wish that your partner would change.
- You are aware that you are two different people with different perspectives, but you have trouble managing your anxiety over these differences . You feel that your point of view is not worth mentioning.
- You are unhappy and angry at your partner, but afraid to openly express your feelings. You need to feel understood without having to explain yourself.
- You would like to reconnect and feel more passionate about your partner, but you fear that you are just going to make everything worse if you start expressing yourself.
- You appreciate your partner. You have at least five positive statements for every negative.
- You listen actively to your partner without interrupting. Be aware of what your body language is communicating.
- You express all of your emotions. Use I-statements to stay on the task of expressing yourself and not shift over to blaming (You-statements).
- You acknowledge your differences and you are able to manage your anxiety over these differences.
- You are curious about your partner and you are willing to reveal yourself to increase understanding of each others hopes and dreams, fears and worries.
Try This:
Make a note of how you usually respond to your partner.
Let me know here on the blog (use a pseudonym to protect your privacy).
If you attack or avoid when you are stressed out, decide right now to start responding differently.
At your first opportunity reach out to your partner and do one thing that will make a difference for your partner.
Ready?
Do you need help?
Marriage Counseling / Couples therapy can help! You will learn to:
Communicate more effectively, negotiate differences, deal with conflicts and repair after fights.
Focus on what you can do to make a difference in your relationship.
Reach out to your partner in new ways to increase understanding of each other.
Reconnect by changing how you react to your partner in stressful situations.
Are you ready to work on your marriage/relationship?
Let’s talk about how I can help! I offer a 2 hour first consultation for the price of one! Call me at (954) 806-2974 – click here for contact information
Go to FAQ for answers to your questions or email me at irenesavarese@yahoo.com
This site has over 50 articles to help you and your partner reconnect. Use the search box in the top right corner of this page.
Photo of hostile arguing couple is by hang in there
Photo of avoidant and angry ressistant couple is by John Walker
Photo of loving couple is by Zylenia
Great article, I can say I was an option 1 in several relationships. As you can tell when I say several apparently that isn’t the right option to choose. I like your third option here and with couples counselling have learned how to do just those things and take control of emotion. Using “I” instead of “You” when talking or disputing anything makes a massive difference so great job on that one. Nice article I’m glad I read it.
Thank you Cara. Glad you visited. Hope to see you back here another time.
irenesavarese recently posted..Top Five Relationship/Marriage Articles of 2012
Very nice post. Comprehensive and makes alot of sense. Good job!
Kathy Morelli, LPC (@KathyAMorelli) recently posted..#LifeList Time! Join us for a blog hop!
Thank you Kathy, much appreciated <3
irenesavarese recently posted..“One Plus One Is Greater Than Two” – Are You Ready To Do What You Need To Do To Save Your Marriage?
comments works now
irenesavarese recently posted..How To Get The Most Benefit From Couples Therapy
Lots of helpful ideas. It is so important to take regular time to make deposits in the positive emotions bank in all our important relationships.
JoAnn Jordan recently posted..Adventures in Sound and Music
Thanks for commenting! I Checked my spam and found some comments that should not have been in spam. Sorry, I have to check more often.
irenesavarese recently posted..How To Get The Most Benefit From Couples Therapy
Lots of great points in this post. Putting positive comments in the “emotional bank” is something we need to do on a daily basis. Life activities often become the focus rather than the relationship.
JoAnn Jordan recently posted..Adventures in Sound and Music
I like what you said in number 3.Appreciating and listening to your partner is great.Couple counselling can help in building strong relationships.Thanks for sharing.
Mark recently posted..7 week Integrated Man Coaching group
Thank you Mark for your comment and visiting again – much appreciated!
Yes, we all try to do more of #3. Often I see attacking and defending own views without ability to see the others point of view. Then, when feeling discouraged and defeated, avoiding sets in. When everything has blown over we try to reach out – and then the cycle starts again next time there is a difference of opinion and feelings are hurt.
Couples therapy can help in recognizing the pattern and learning to consciously break the urge to attack and avoid together!
irenesavarese recently posted..What Geese Can Teach Couples About Teamwork
Very thorough post! You spell out the behaviors of attacking and withdrawing very well. And your suggestions on how to reach out to your partner are clear and concrete. I’m sure couples will find this helpful.
Thank you Claire! My hope is to give couples directions to how to work on their problems. My goal is also to let couples know that couples therapy can help when they are unable themselves to go forward.
irenesavarese recently posted..What Geese Can Teach Couples About Teamwork
Nice post….I like the list about avoidance the most as I think patterns of avoidance can also seem on the surface as happy, but it’s really a very in-authentic way to live. Nice to spell it out like that.
Kathy Morelli, LPC (@KathyAMorelli) recently posted..Snooki – Our Jersey Girl as a Public Health Role Model?
Very good point Kathy!
There are many combinations of styles. For some couples both are avoidant or both are attacking, for other couples the partner’s have opposite styles. Sometimes avoidance behavior looks innocent and happy, where the avoidant partner is hiding behind a victim role, not able to see that the behavior is always a choice. It is easier to blame the attacking partner than taking a look at own behavior.
I think that most partners can recognize that they use all three kinds. My aim is to raise the awareness of what it is we are doing and do more of the reaching out.
irenesavarese recently posted..“One Plus One Is Greater Than Two” – Are You Ready To Do What You Need To Do To Save Your Marriage?
“You rarely express feelings of sadness and anxiety.”
That is a very powerful inclination that anger is the predominant emotion. It’s hard to appear vulnerable and “weak” by expressing feelings. Such a pity that anger makes us feel strong, powerful and alive…
I agree with Bill–very comprehensive. I like the suggestion of five compliments to every criticism.
Linda Esposito recently posted..10 Steps to Become Less Anxious (Poster)
Thank you Linda!
We have to figure out what the angry feelings are about and choose how to respond. It is not easy to express anger calmly and respectfully, but nevertheless an important task for couples.
I think anger makes us feel strong, powerful and alive for a short time. To recognize feelings of sadness and anxiety are what is going to make us stronger in the long run. Real strength is about sharing vulnerabilities.
irenesavarese recently posted..Dealing With Anger As A Team
Very comprehensive!
Thank you Bill!
irenesavarese recently posted..Do You Trust Your Partner with Your Difficult Emotions?